Hey gang,
I know I shouldn't post this. I know that you have to be a total nerd to laugh at this, just like you know it.
And yet, here we are. A Darth Vader rap.
Is that what it's come to?
Yes, I'm afraid it is.
His Holiness Pope Salty I
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
The Anniversary Waltz, or What Day Is It?
Hello fellow patients,
My one-year anniversary is this week.
I know this because my girlfriend told me.
Ladies, I don't want to burst your bubble on this one or anything, but dating anniversaries are something us guys just don't keep up with. It's not that we don't want to; it's just that we don't have the mental capacity. That's the reason marriage was conceived in the first place. (Okay, maybe "conceived" isn't the best choice of words here. Not that it doesn't fit. It fits too well. Really, people. Enough with the breeding. Have you been in the express lane at Wal-Mart recently? I mean, all you want is to buy your whipped cream, dog collar, black socks, and copy of High School Musical 3, so you can enjoy a nice evening at home, and you're stuck behind the 19-year-old girl breaking out the food stamps to buy Sugar Puffs for those 6 goddamn kids she's got bouncing around the buggy like sub-atomic particles in a supercollider...)
What? Too nerdy? Okay, let me try again...
...those 6 goddamn kids she's got bouncing around like the collective sweaters of the Jefferson High School varsity cheerleader squad trying at the annual homecoming pep rally...
I'm sorry. What was the question?
No really. What was the question. I forgot what we were talking about.
...Oh yeah. Anniversaries. The whole reason weddings were conceived, other than as an excuse to get strangers to buy you presents, is so guys can remember anniversaries. Even though the groom is nothing more than a prop at a wedding, and the service could be run just fine without him, and even though the day is nothing more than a blur of "stand here", "say this", "take your picture there", "go say hello to this family member that you either can't remember or can't stand", and "go over there", maybe with an "I do" thrown in there somewhere, he still knows something important is going on. He's dressed up in a tuxedo and nobody has died.
Well, nobody other than his sex life, but he doesn't know that yet...
No, what he does know is that this day is important, it's all about her, and if he doesn't want to see that sex life die even faster than it already will, he better remember that day.
That's why the smart guys always put their weddings on a day they can already remember. Her birthday (apparently we're supposed to remember that too), Valentine's Day, Halloween, April Fool's (not a good idea, by the way, no matter how appropriate it may be...), something like that. Any day that will stick in you mind. Take October 7, for instance. It's her special day. And the fact that 10-7 happens to be the score of the Iron Bowl that year that you and your buddies drank too much Jagermeister after the game and you ended up going home with a girl that could not have possibly been the same one you woke up with, and that you swear to this day must have been swapped out on you in the middle of the night, because you went to bed with Marilyn Monroe and woke up with Marilyn Manson, and...
...it's not important. What's important is that you have a tool for remembering your special day.
And by "your" I of course mean "her"...
...but don't ever say that.
Ever.
The point is (Editor's note: There's a point?) (Author's note: Yes, there's a point, smartass. Just 'cause I don't remember what it is doesn't mean it doesn't exist. After all, if a tree falls in the woods, and you're there, but you're too fucked up to remember why you're in the woods in the first place, much less some shit about a tree falling, does it mean that there's no point?) (Editor's note: WTF?) (Author's note: Exactly my point.) that married guys have this big elaborate ceremony just to help cement in their tiny male minds that this is an important day.
Us single guys ain't that lucky.
I've been in countless relationships over the years, some of them even lasting more than overnight, and I have yet to figure out what event constitutes an anniversary in a relationship. Sure, back in the day, your parents could mark that day on the calender when they shared a malted at the corner drugstore, or whatever people did back then, but these days it's not that cut and dry. If you're like me, you've never once had a relationship begin with a first date. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I know how relationships even start. It just seems like you go from the state of not dating to the state of dating, without any real clue how it even happened. And yet, somehow, in that blur, she is always able to pinpoint an exact day that is your anniversary.
So what day is it? Is it the first time you met? The first time you kissed? The first time you made love? It's all so confusing. Which is why I strongly recommend, ladies, that you try to make all these events occur on the same day. You know, to avoid confusion.
But if your lady wasn't considerate enough to simplify things for you like that, you're stuck figuring it out on your own. Well, not exactly on your own. She will give you subtle little hints, hints like...
Yes, you got her.
Or do you? I sure don't. We're expected to remember all these little things like her favourite colour, how she likes her coffee (Dammit, Salty, you know I don't drink coffee! You must be thinking of your ex-girlfriend! I knew it!), the name of that one bitch at work that she just can't stand, her mother's name, and so on and so on. We're even supposed to remember to change our MySpace status (For the record, mine still says "single". My girl's does too. That's probably the only reason we've made it a year.), and to remember to take out all the girls' numbers from our phone, or at least change them over to guys' names so she won't notice, and on top of all this, we're supposed to remember some arbitrary date when something may or may not have happened twelve months ago?
It's all too much.
For the married guys, it's simple. Your life ended years ago. You have little enough going on in your day that you can devote some brain space to remembering a date on the calendar. For us single guys, though, all you can do is poke and hope. Which is probably how you ended up with a girlfriend in the first place.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
...Happy anniversary, baby.
Whenever the fuck that is...
His Holiness Pope Salty I
My one-year anniversary is this week.
I know this because my girlfriend told me.
Ladies, I don't want to burst your bubble on this one or anything, but dating anniversaries are something us guys just don't keep up with. It's not that we don't want to; it's just that we don't have the mental capacity. That's the reason marriage was conceived in the first place. (Okay, maybe "conceived" isn't the best choice of words here. Not that it doesn't fit. It fits too well. Really, people. Enough with the breeding. Have you been in the express lane at Wal-Mart recently? I mean, all you want is to buy your whipped cream, dog collar, black socks, and copy of High School Musical 3, so you can enjoy a nice evening at home, and you're stuck behind the 19-year-old girl breaking out the food stamps to buy Sugar Puffs for those 6 goddamn kids she's got bouncing around the buggy like sub-atomic particles in a supercollider...)
What? Too nerdy? Okay, let me try again...
...those 6 goddamn kids she's got bouncing around like the collective sweaters of the Jefferson High School varsity cheerleader squad trying at the annual homecoming pep rally...
"We've got spirit..." [bouncey, bouncey]
"Yes we do..." [bouncey, bouncey]
"We've got spirit..." [bouncey, bouncey]
"How 'bout you??!!"
"Yes we do..." [bouncey, bouncey]
"We've got spirit..." [bouncey, bouncey]
"How 'bout you??!!"
I'm sorry. What was the question?
No really. What was the question. I forgot what we were talking about.
...Oh yeah. Anniversaries. The whole reason weddings were conceived, other than as an excuse to get strangers to buy you presents, is so guys can remember anniversaries. Even though the groom is nothing more than a prop at a wedding, and the service could be run just fine without him, and even though the day is nothing more than a blur of "stand here", "say this", "take your picture there", "go say hello to this family member that you either can't remember or can't stand", and "go over there", maybe with an "I do" thrown in there somewhere, he still knows something important is going on. He's dressed up in a tuxedo and nobody has died.
Well, nobody other than his sex life, but he doesn't know that yet...
No, what he does know is that this day is important, it's all about her, and if he doesn't want to see that sex life die even faster than it already will, he better remember that day.
That's why the smart guys always put their weddings on a day they can already remember. Her birthday (apparently we're supposed to remember that too), Valentine's Day, Halloween, April Fool's (not a good idea, by the way, no matter how appropriate it may be...), something like that. Any day that will stick in you mind. Take October 7, for instance. It's her special day. And the fact that 10-7 happens to be the score of the Iron Bowl that year that you and your buddies drank too much Jagermeister after the game and you ended up going home with a girl that could not have possibly been the same one you woke up with, and that you swear to this day must have been swapped out on you in the middle of the night, because you went to bed with Marilyn Monroe and woke up with Marilyn Manson, and...
...it's not important. What's important is that you have a tool for remembering your special day.
And by "your" I of course mean "her"...
...but don't ever say that.
Ever.
The point is (Editor's note: There's a point?) (Author's note: Yes, there's a point, smartass. Just 'cause I don't remember what it is doesn't mean it doesn't exist. After all, if a tree falls in the woods, and you're there, but you're too fucked up to remember why you're in the woods in the first place, much less some shit about a tree falling, does it mean that there's no point?) (Editor's note: WTF?) (Author's note: Exactly my point.) that married guys have this big elaborate ceremony just to help cement in their tiny male minds that this is an important day.
Us single guys ain't that lucky.
I've been in countless relationships over the years, some of them even lasting more than overnight, and I have yet to figure out what event constitutes an anniversary in a relationship. Sure, back in the day, your parents could mark that day on the calender when they shared a malted at the corner drugstore, or whatever people did back then, but these days it's not that cut and dry. If you're like me, you've never once had a relationship begin with a first date. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I know how relationships even start. It just seems like you go from the state of not dating to the state of dating, without any real clue how it even happened. And yet, somehow, in that blur, she is always able to pinpoint an exact day that is your anniversary.
So what day is it? Is it the first time you met? The first time you kissed? The first time you made love? It's all so confusing. Which is why I strongly recommend, ladies, that you try to make all these events occur on the same day. You know, to avoid confusion.
But if your lady wasn't considerate enough to simplify things for you like that, you're stuck figuring it out on your own. Well, not exactly on your own. She will give you subtle little hints, hints like...
"Do you know what next week is?"
"You haven't forgotten about Tuesday, have you?"
"So what are we doing tomorrow night, you know, for our Special Day?" (Notice the capitol letters here, fellas. That is capital "don't", capital "fuck", capital "this", capital "up". Got it?)
"Hey dickhead. It's our anniversary. You're taking me to dinner, and then for a martini, and then back home for two hours of foreplay. And no, I don't count balancing the beer on my head while you watch Robot Chicken to be foreplay. Bring a miner's hat, 'cause you're gonna be down there a while, Sporty. Ya got me?"
"You haven't forgotten about Tuesday, have you?"
"So what are we doing tomorrow night, you know, for our Special Day?" (Notice the capitol letters here, fellas. That is capital "don't", capital "fuck", capital "this", capital "up". Got it?)
"Hey dickhead. It's our anniversary. You're taking me to dinner, and then for a martini, and then back home for two hours of foreplay. And no, I don't count balancing the beer on my head while you watch Robot Chicken to be foreplay. Bring a miner's hat, 'cause you're gonna be down there a while, Sporty. Ya got me?"
Yes, you got her.
Or do you? I sure don't. We're expected to remember all these little things like her favourite colour, how she likes her coffee (Dammit, Salty, you know I don't drink coffee! You must be thinking of your ex-girlfriend! I knew it!), the name of that one bitch at work that she just can't stand, her mother's name, and so on and so on. We're even supposed to remember to change our MySpace status (For the record, mine still says "single". My girl's does too. That's probably the only reason we've made it a year.), and to remember to take out all the girls' numbers from our phone, or at least change them over to guys' names so she won't notice, and on top of all this, we're supposed to remember some arbitrary date when something may or may not have happened twelve months ago?
It's all too much.
For the married guys, it's simple. Your life ended years ago. You have little enough going on in your day that you can devote some brain space to remembering a date on the calendar. For us single guys, though, all you can do is poke and hope. Which is probably how you ended up with a girlfriend in the first place.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
...Happy anniversary, baby.
Whenever the fuck that is...
His Holiness Pope Salty I
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Newswipe (British Satirical News Show on BBC4)
Hey gang,
While wandering through Cyberspace looking for music to stea... ...um, no, wait... ...looking for gay por... ...no, not that... ...let me start over...
While wandering through Cyberspace looking for the perfect Easter e-card to send to my grandmother (Editor's note: It is possible that the author is full of shit, unless he normally sends e-cards to those that passed away years ago. We suspect that the gay porn answer is closer to the truth, but getting the truth out of this fucktard is about as easy as getting a gay blogger to come out of the closet, if you catch our drift...), I came across this clip from a new British comedy show called Newswipe.
Newswipe, from what I was able to research, is a spinoff of another Brit-com, Screen Wipe, both of which star some guy named Charlie Brooker. The closest thing to compare it to would be The Daily Show, I suppose, but it is done a little differently, and the comedy is drier and more, em, "British". Still, it's pretty damn funny.
The clip posted here is a segment on the differences between British and American newscasts. While it hits pretty much everyone, the stuff on Fox News is the funniest, at least to me. It's not as much political humor as it is making fun of the media.
If that kind of stuff sounds interesting to you, check the clip out. If you dig it, you can watch full episodes at www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00jhp50.
HHPS1
While wandering through Cyberspace looking for the perfect Easter e-card to send to my grandmother (Editor's note: It is possible that the author is full of shit, unless he normally sends e-cards to those that passed away years ago. We suspect that the gay porn answer is closer to the truth, but getting the truth out of this fucktard is about as easy as getting a gay blogger to come out of the closet, if you catch our drift...), I came across this clip from a new British comedy show called Newswipe.
Newswipe, from what I was able to research, is a spinoff of another Brit-com, Screen Wipe, both of which star some guy named Charlie Brooker. The closest thing to compare it to would be The Daily Show, I suppose, but it is done a little differently, and the comedy is drier and more, em, "British". Still, it's pretty damn funny.
The clip posted here is a segment on the differences between British and American newscasts. While it hits pretty much everyone, the stuff on Fox News is the funniest, at least to me. It's not as much political humor as it is making fun of the media.
If that kind of stuff sounds interesting to you, check the clip out. If you dig it, you can watch full episodes at www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00jhp50.
HHPS1
Friday, April 10, 2009
Fermirotica (from xkcd)
This comic, sent to me by Daniel, is entitled "Fermirotica". It comes courtesy of a site called xkcd (www.xkcd.com). It's nerd humor, for sure, but a lot of it is pretty funny, and if you don't get some of them, that just means you're not an uber-nerd, and you should feel pretty good about that. It's kind of like getting the American Idol question wrong on Trivia Night. In certain cases, ignorance truly can be bliss.
The scary thing about this particular comic is that the math is correct. However, the truly sad and pathetic thing about this comic is that I know the math is correct. See, if you think of the area around you as a circle of radius r, with circumference 2*pi*r, then...
...then you should consider going into engineering. Not so much because you have the brains for it as because you should be able to save enough time by never getting laid to put the study time in.
I know this because, luckily, I live around engineers. Engineers never get laid, which means that Xf would be zero, and a zero in the denominator pushes the answer to infinity, except on a TI-89, where it says "cannot compute" or some shit like that, which leads to the conclusion that...
...that I'm not getting laid either.
Check the site out, though, if slightly filthy, highly nerdy humor is your thing. It's like Revenge of the Nerds as a comic strip.
Seems kind of redundant, doesn't it?
HHPS1
Tools of the Tirade: Your Source for "All Things Funny"!
Hey gang,
I have decided that, this being my big-time official-type website and all, that I should have some sort of official-type website theme. Since "immaturity" is a big vague, and "ravenous drug use" is liable to ruffle the wrong feathers, I have decided to go with...
I have decided that, this being my big-time official-type website and all, that I should have some sort of official-type website theme. Since "immaturity" is a big vague, and "ravenous drug use" is liable to ruffle the wrong feathers, I have decided to go with...
All Things Funny
What does an official-type theme like "all things funny" entail, exactly? Does it merely mean the occasional comic, video clip, or link to other funny sites, mainly used as a cheap ploy to get my site to pop up on more Google searches, or is it something more: A devotion, nay, a passion, for the art of humor, a quest to search the globe, mining the land for Giggles, Laughs, and Grins?
The smart money, of course, is on the former. I don't really even know what that last part means. "A passion for the art of humor." What-the-fuck-ever.
So, now that we have established what is going on here, namely a marketing tactic, let's move on to the details. The web, as you know, is more than a source of free porn; it is a place to look for things to occupy your time while waiting for your free porn to download. And occasionally during this process, I come across something funny enough to share on these pages.
This is all theoretically, of course. The reality is, the time between porn downloads is perfect for watching free porn. Besides, my keyboard got too sticky to use years ago.
But yours didn't.
For this reason (and because of my sheer laziness), I am inviting you to send me your suggestions. Send me links to anything you find that makes you pee a little. Comic strips, clips of stand-up comics, anything good, I'll watch it all.
(Editor's disclaimer: Note the author said "funny". That rules out anything by Dane Cook, Larry the Cable Guy, or Carlos Mencia. If you find video of these guys getting hit by a bus or sodomized by a rhino, send it in. Otherwise, let's try to go with stuff a bit more underground, and a bit less, um, lame.)
So send in your links. It's time to get to work.
What, you don't expect me to, do you?
His Holiness Pope Salty I
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