Friday, May 15, 2009

Dark Chocolate M&M's Are Racist

Hello fellow patients,

I feel that needed to be said.

Why are we segregating our candy-covered confections, anyway? And don't get me started on that whole "green M&M's" thing, either. I ate three pounds of the things, and I'm still no bigger than an "A" cup, maybe a small "B" if I'm about to start...

You should be ashamed of yourselves. I don't care how cute your Christmas ads are. No wonder you made Santa faint. I'd faint too, if I ran into a candy-coated Klansman on Christmas eve. And why is it always the yellow one that freaks Santa out? Why not the red one? Or maybe the white one?

Oh that's right. There's not a white one.

I'll have you know, I've already consulted Al Sharpton about the matter, and a boycott and march upon Washington are already in the works. We may even start a letter-writing campaign! We'll see if you have the chocolate-covered peanuts to admit you were wrong, and allow all your candies to live together in the same bag. Seperate-but-equally-priced packaging is not going to cut it anymore.

You haven't heard the last of this, M&M's. I promise I will not rest until this injustice is righted, and all candies live in peace and equality.

Except for licorice. That shit sucks.

His Holiness Pope Salty I

p.s.: Don't think I'm not watching you, Chinese Checkers...

HHPS1

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Trent and Maynard Wish the Eighties Never Happened

Hey gang,

If you're like me, there are few things in life more satisfying than telling a child there's no such thing as Santa Claus. There is a split second, before the bawling starts, that is sheer ecstasy. Their upper lip quivers a little, the pupils dilate, a cry wants to come out but can't...

...it's sheer heaven.

It is in this spirit of giving that your humble, infallible leader proudly shares the following video. If you love Nine Inch Nails, this is for you.

Who says da Pope never does anything nice?


Wow. How embarrassing.

Sure, you're never gonna be able to look at Trent the same way again. Sure, you're going to think of Boy George every time you see a NIN video (Like you don't think of Boy George enough already. Sicko...). At least you still have your Tool though, right?

Right?



I'm feelin' that hair, there, Maynard...

Well, I hope you enjoyed watching those videos as much as I enjoyed sharing them.

That isn't entirely true.

What I really hope is that I've scarred you for life. Or at least kind of taken the piss out of your favourite bands. If I have, then my work here is done.

Oh, one more thing: There is no Tooth Fairy. That was your mom the whole time who put a quarter under your pillow.

And she put a dollar under mine.

His Holiness Pope Salty I

Friday, May 1, 2009

All That and Looks Too?

Hello fellow patients,

Have you heard?

It seems America has a new singing sensation that is taking America by storm (The preceding sentence brought to you by the Department of Redundency Department, New York, NY.). That's right, folks, there is a new name on everyone's tongue these days. You can't go anywhere without hearing the name...

...Well, I don't remember her name.

But I do remember that voice. It was stunning. I had heard about her, of course, this Internet sensation who had dazzled the U.K. with her performance on the television show Britain's Got Talent and was now being heard all over the world. But I had never heard her for myself, until today. I was in the bathroom, testing the effects of curl relaxer on pubic hair, when I heard this angelic voice drifting from the television in the other room. I leapt up and sprinted into the living room...

...I tried to, anyway. I tripped and fell before I could get to the living room. Turns out pubic hair is longer than you think once you take the curls out.

I didn't let that stop me, though. I jumped up, threw my hair over my shoulder, and rushed the five feet into the living room (My place is a bit on the small side. Don't knock it, though. My tiny apartment makes my cock look bigger.).

I'll give you fellas a minute to jot that down...

I finished rushing to the living room. That angelic voice was still pouring out of my television. I looked up, and...

Ouch.

Okay, so she's not much to look at. She's kinda got this Ron Jeremy after a sex change thing goin' on that doesn't really do it for me. And judging by the general public reaction I've heard, doesn't really do it for much of anybody else, either. I'll put it like this: Here is a woman in her fifties who claims to have never been kissed, and people seem to have no problem believing her.

Still, I wanted to listen. I spent a few minutes going through my television's menu, trying to see if there was a visual equivalent to the mute button, and as I did, a couple of thoughts came to mind...

1. Whatever happened to the golden age of radio?, and...

2. Wow, this is really, really ugly.

(Author's note: If this were a sit-com, and we were in the middle of one of those "special episodes" they used to do back in the day when people on TV at least pretended to want to send a positive message to the public, we would be at the point where the "serious" music would start to play, to let you know that you were reaching the "time for your moral" part of the show. Since this is not a sit-com, and the odds of learning any life lessons here, other than "always save your prescription bottles", are pretty much zero, I guess we won't bother. As a matter of fact, forget I brought it up. Sure, I'm about to dish out a stinging indictment of modern society and its unhealthy obsession with celebrity and physical beauty, but I probably won't be able to do it without fucking it up with some tasteless joke like that pubic hair thing earlier. I really should grow up. You probably should, too. You can't spend your whole life pounding drinks and strippers and expect to get anything done.)

(Author's note 2: I'm sure you were all expecting me to make some sarcastic shit up to counter that last statement. Not to disappoint you, but I do not believe that is necessary. We all know I was lying. Let's just leave it at that and move on.)

So why is the world so taken up with this, um, chick? Hell, you can't throw a rock without hitting someone who can sing. Trust me, I've tried. Is it because her voice is just that superior to anyone else's?

Of course not.

The fact is, everyone is so blown away by her precisely because she is so homely. Without realizing it, we think,"How can someone without supermodel looks sing like that?" We as a culture are so used to the concept that beauty is synonymous with talent that we're stunned to see one without the other.

And that, my friends, is what is ugly.

Hey, I warned you there was gonna be a moral...

We are not used to seeing an unattractive person with talent because we're not allowed to. Looks are everything; talent is secondary. The sixties had Janis Joplin; we get Ashlee Simpson. The sixties had Walter Cronkite; we get Stone Phillips and that Robin in the Morning chick on CNN. Hell, they couldn't even remake Star Trek without casting it to look like a fucking Calvin Klein ad.

Let me ask you this: Who do you think is going to be better at something: The average-looking person that has had to earn every break they've gotten, or the pretty person that has been able to float to the top? (By "float" I of coarse mean fornicate, fellate, rim, fist, and whatever-the-fuck Lindsey Lohan did to get a career in Hollywood.)

Hey I warned you I'd fuck it up with a tasteless joke...

Well, I say enough is enough!

I'm tired of the myth that beauty equals talent! I'm tired of the media force-feeding us nothing but stunningly beautiful people 24/7! I'm tired of seeing hotness on every channel, in every music video, and on every sideline! I say we get all this hotness out of the entertainment industry (Except the adult-entertainment industry, of course. No use being a damn fool about this...), out of the media, and out of the music industry, and get it back where it belongs...

...on my face.

His Holiness Pope Salty I