Hello fellow patients,
Have you heard?
It seems America has a new singing sensation that is taking America by storm (The preceding sentence brought to you by the Department of Redundency Department, New York, NY.). That's right, folks, there is a new name on everyone's tongue these days. You can't go anywhere without hearing the name...
...Well, I don't remember her name.
But I do remember that voice. It was stunning. I had heard about her, of course, this Internet sensation who had dazzled the U.K. with her performance on the television show Britain's Got Talent and was now being heard all over the world. But I had never heard her for myself, until today. I was in the bathroom, testing the effects of curl relaxer on pubic hair, when I heard this angelic voice drifting from the television in the other room. I leapt up and sprinted into the living room...
...I tried to, anyway. I tripped and fell before I could get to the living room. Turns out pubic hair is longer than you think once you take the curls out.
I didn't let that stop me, though. I jumped up, threw my hair over my shoulder, and rushed the five feet into the living room (My place is a bit on the small side. Don't knock it, though. My tiny apartment makes my cock look bigger.).
I'll give you fellas a minute to jot that down...
I finished rushing to the living room. That angelic voice was still pouring out of my television. I looked up, and...
Ouch.
Okay, so she's not much to look at. She's kinda got this Ron Jeremy after a sex change thing goin' on that doesn't really do it for me. And judging by the general public reaction I've heard, doesn't really do it for much of anybody else, either. I'll put it like this: Here is a woman in her fifties who claims to have never been kissed, and people seem to have no problem believing her.
Still, I wanted to listen. I spent a few minutes going through my television's menu, trying to see if there was a visual equivalent to the mute button, and as I did, a couple of thoughts came to mind...
1. Whatever happened to the golden age of radio?, and...
2. Wow, this is really, really ugly.
(Author's note: If this were a sit-com, and we were in the middle of one of those "special episodes" they used to do back in the day when people on TV at least pretended to want to send a positive message to the public, we would be at the point where the "serious" music would start to play, to let you know that you were reaching the "time for your moral" part of the show. Since this is not a sit-com, and the odds of learning any life lessons here, other than "always save your prescription bottles", are pretty much zero, I guess we won't bother. As a matter of fact, forget I brought it up. Sure, I'm about to dish out a stinging indictment of modern society and its unhealthy obsession with celebrity and physical beauty, but I probably won't be able to do it without fucking it up with some tasteless joke like that pubic hair thing earlier. I really should grow up. You probably should, too. You can't spend your whole life pounding drinks and strippers and expect to get anything done.)
(Author's note 2: I'm sure you were all expecting me to make some sarcastic shit up to counter that last statement. Not to disappoint you, but I do not believe that is necessary. We all know I was lying. Let's just leave it at that and move on.)
So why is the world so taken up with this, um, chick? Hell, you can't throw a rock without hitting someone who can sing. Trust me, I've tried. Is it because her voice is just that superior to anyone else's?
Of course not.
The fact is, everyone is so blown away by her precisely because she is so homely. Without realizing it, we think,"How can someone without supermodel looks sing like that?" We as a culture are so used to the concept that beauty is synonymous with talent that we're stunned to see one without the other.
And that, my friends, is what is ugly.
Hey, I warned you there was gonna be a moral...
We are not used to seeing an unattractive person with talent because we're not allowed to. Looks are everything; talent is secondary. The sixties had Janis Joplin; we get Ashlee Simpson. The sixties had Walter Cronkite; we get Stone Phillips and that Robin in the Morning chick on CNN. Hell, they couldn't even remake Star Trek without casting it to look like a fucking Calvin Klein ad.
Let me ask you this: Who do you think is going to be better at something: The average-looking person that has had to earn every break they've gotten, or the pretty person that has been able to float to the top? (By "float" I of coarse mean fornicate, fellate, rim, fist, and whatever-the-fuck Lindsey Lohan did to get a career in Hollywood.)
Hey I warned you I'd fuck it up with a tasteless joke...
Well, I say enough is enough!
I'm tired of the myth that beauty equals talent! I'm tired of the media force-feeding us nothing but stunningly beautiful people 24/7! I'm tired of seeing hotness on every channel, in every music video, and on every sideline! I say we get all this hotness out of the entertainment industry (Except the adult-entertainment industry, of course. No use being a damn fool about this...), out of the media, and out of the music industry, and get it back where it belongs...
...on my face.
His Holiness Pope Salty I
Have you heard?
It seems America has a new singing sensation that is taking America by storm (The preceding sentence brought to you by the Department of Redundency Department, New York, NY.). That's right, folks, there is a new name on everyone's tongue these days. You can't go anywhere without hearing the name...
...Well, I don't remember her name.
But I do remember that voice. It was stunning. I had heard about her, of course, this Internet sensation who had dazzled the U.K. with her performance on the television show Britain's Got Talent and was now being heard all over the world. But I had never heard her for myself, until today. I was in the bathroom, testing the effects of curl relaxer on pubic hair, when I heard this angelic voice drifting from the television in the other room. I leapt up and sprinted into the living room...
...I tried to, anyway. I tripped and fell before I could get to the living room. Turns out pubic hair is longer than you think once you take the curls out.
I didn't let that stop me, though. I jumped up, threw my hair over my shoulder, and rushed the five feet into the living room (My place is a bit on the small side. Don't knock it, though. My tiny apartment makes my cock look bigger.).
I'll give you fellas a minute to jot that down...
I finished rushing to the living room. That angelic voice was still pouring out of my television. I looked up, and...
Ouch.
Okay, so she's not much to look at. She's kinda got this Ron Jeremy after a sex change thing goin' on that doesn't really do it for me. And judging by the general public reaction I've heard, doesn't really do it for much of anybody else, either. I'll put it like this: Here is a woman in her fifties who claims to have never been kissed, and people seem to have no problem believing her.
Still, I wanted to listen. I spent a few minutes going through my television's menu, trying to see if there was a visual equivalent to the mute button, and as I did, a couple of thoughts came to mind...
1. Whatever happened to the golden age of radio?, and...
2. Wow, this is really, really ugly.
(Author's note: If this were a sit-com, and we were in the middle of one of those "special episodes" they used to do back in the day when people on TV at least pretended to want to send a positive message to the public, we would be at the point where the "serious" music would start to play, to let you know that you were reaching the "time for your moral" part of the show. Since this is not a sit-com, and the odds of learning any life lessons here, other than "always save your prescription bottles", are pretty much zero, I guess we won't bother. As a matter of fact, forget I brought it up. Sure, I'm about to dish out a stinging indictment of modern society and its unhealthy obsession with celebrity and physical beauty, but I probably won't be able to do it without fucking it up with some tasteless joke like that pubic hair thing earlier. I really should grow up. You probably should, too. You can't spend your whole life pounding drinks and strippers and expect to get anything done.)
(Author's note 2: I'm sure you were all expecting me to make some sarcastic shit up to counter that last statement. Not to disappoint you, but I do not believe that is necessary. We all know I was lying. Let's just leave it at that and move on.)
So why is the world so taken up with this, um, chick? Hell, you can't throw a rock without hitting someone who can sing. Trust me, I've tried. Is it because her voice is just that superior to anyone else's?
Of course not.
The fact is, everyone is so blown away by her precisely because she is so homely. Without realizing it, we think,"How can someone without supermodel looks sing like that?" We as a culture are so used to the concept that beauty is synonymous with talent that we're stunned to see one without the other.
And that, my friends, is what is ugly.
Hey, I warned you there was gonna be a moral...
We are not used to seeing an unattractive person with talent because we're not allowed to. Looks are everything; talent is secondary. The sixties had Janis Joplin; we get Ashlee Simpson. The sixties had Walter Cronkite; we get Stone Phillips and that Robin in the Morning chick on CNN. Hell, they couldn't even remake Star Trek without casting it to look like a fucking Calvin Klein ad.
Let me ask you this: Who do you think is going to be better at something: The average-looking person that has had to earn every break they've gotten, or the pretty person that has been able to float to the top? (By "float" I of coarse mean fornicate, fellate, rim, fist, and whatever-the-fuck Lindsey Lohan did to get a career in Hollywood.)
Hey I warned you I'd fuck it up with a tasteless joke...
Well, I say enough is enough!
I'm tired of the myth that beauty equals talent! I'm tired of the media force-feeding us nothing but stunningly beautiful people 24/7! I'm tired of seeing hotness on every channel, in every music video, and on every sideline! I say we get all this hotness out of the entertainment industry (Except the adult-entertainment industry, of course. No use being a damn fool about this...), out of the media, and out of the music industry, and get it back where it belongs...
...on my face.
His Holiness Pope Salty I
I don't know what you are talking about. I think you are ugly as hell AND a talented DJ. Those two discrete facts about you do not seem out of place in my mind. Of course, if you were on album covers, commercials, billboards, or any other place that I might have to look on a regular basis then I would prefer for you to be a hot chick. Basically, an "artist" needs to be taylored to the realm in which he is going to compete. Since visual media is really popular these days, a "singer" usualy must be good-looking as well. Imagine how the criteria would change if smell-a-vision was the most popular media? I bet Reggae would die instantly.
ReplyDeleteYour attempts to prove me wrong, as such attempts often do, prove me right. You see, my dear man, that your entire argument prefaces on a faulty assumption. I am "ugly as hell" and a talented DJ. I am not, however, a successful DJ, success being judged in this case as the ability to play music that doesn't suck. If I were not "ugly as hell", as you so kindly put it, I would be dropping dirty electro and disturbingly dark house for A-listers in Ibiza, Spain, rather than trying to meek out a living in Mobile, AL playing the same 15 shite hip-hop songs for a bunch of 18-year-old skanks who "needed to get out of the trailer for the night, damn you Clyde! Watch the kids! We havin' girls' night out!". I have received exacly the level of success one would expect someone "ugly as hell" to achieve.
ReplyDeleteAs for your "hot chick on a billboard" premise, what I'd rather see is the beautiful glimpse of scenery that billboard just blocked from my view.
What? Too save-the-whales hippie faggy?
Okay, how about this. They can have the billboards, just please, for the love of all that is holy, don't let 'em sing. I think it is in the book of Proverbs where it says "hot chicks should be seen, and perhaps felt, but never heard".
That is why I've always said Milli Vanilli were years ahead of their time. Although for the life of me, I can't remember why.
Ibiza only needs so many DJs, and well the world needs ditch-diggers too.
ReplyDeleteI said "talented" and nothing about successful. I won't bother compiling a list of people who are one and not the other. I'm sure you can make one yourself. I figured you were past believing that talented should equal successful. That is a concept that ranks up there with thinking the world shoudl be fair. After all, "fair" is where you go to get cotton candy.
Wow.
ReplyDeleteHave you told your kid there's no Santa Claus yet, there, Captain Buzzkill? Run over the Tooth Fairy? Taken your bat to the Easter Bunny?
Look, I know you're busy crushing dreams and shit, but could you take a minute to swing by the Make-a-Wish Foundation? They need you to sign that "You are all gonna die" card you made up for the kids at the cancer ward.
No point gettin' anyone's hopes up...
Yes, I have taken my bat to the Easter Bunny, but that is a different story.
ReplyDelete