Hello fellow patients,
Health care begins at home.
It's a phrase you hear all the time. Don't believe me?
Health care begins at home. See? There it is again.
But what does it really mean? In the old days, it meant doing the little things to make sure we were living healthy. "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" was what we were always told, and for good reason: Nothing like a few draft ciders to help you forget you're too goddamn broke to go to the doctor (Just because we're the only country in the industrialized world that doesn't provide free health care to its citizens (at least the ones who aren't lucky enough to be in Congress or prison) does not make universal health care any less Communist. Freedom isn't free, and neither is that walker, Granny. AIG bonuses don't grow on trees, ya know...).
These days things are more complicated. Sure, you can't give yourself an MRI, or perform brain surgery on your sister (I'm really sorry, mom...), but that doesn't mean you can't still do those little things to keep yourself and those you love healthy right at home. Whether it's checking your breasts for lumps, watching your calorie intake (Note I said "watching", not "reducing". We may not have health care, but we got McGriddles. Eat up, Porky, or the terrorists win.), checking your neighbor's breasts for lumps, or simply putting on a condom before getting that around-the-world from the twenty-dollar hooker you picked up downtown with the noticeable track marks and even more noticeable Adam's apple, there are plenty of things you can still do to keep your body running like the well-oiled machine it was (Pick from one of the following terms based upon whether or not you prefer to burn in eternal damnation.) [designed/randomly evolved] to be. I myself take the precautionary measure of self-medicating every chance I get.
(Author's note: You will notice I did not include exercise in my list of ways to stay healthy. Exercise is not a way to stay healthy. Sex should provide all the physical exertion you need in life. It's not your fault that you're fat; it's your partner's. They should be putting out more. In other words, if you see someone exercising, it's a sign they aren't getting any. The polite thing to do is to offer sex to this person. "I see you're doing sit-ups. Wanna fuck?" is considered proper etiquette in such a situation. Running is a sign that someone's being chased; call 911 immediately. Jogging is a sign of mental illness; no one in their right mind runs less than top speed if they're being chased, and running at any speed unless being chased is, to use the medical term, retarded.)
The world of modern medicine is progressing at a break-neck pace. Every day, researchers are finding new medical miracles in everything from male enhancement to penis enlargement. And occasionally, between finding more and more ways to help rich white pricks feel better about their tiny cocks (I don't think the Extenze is working, there, Prescott. Maybe you should try the Porsche.), modern medicine even finds new treatment for actual sicknesses. These advances, however, are not worth discussing, since your HMO will not cover them. Don't worry, though, you're not as fucked as you think you are (Editor's note: Yes you are.).
Why? Because health care begins at home.
The Internet is an invaluable tool for home health care. There are places you can go online where, with just a few clicks of the mouse, you can find out if those pills you found in your grandma's medicine cabinet will give you a buzz. But did you know those same sites offer advice on your health?
I sure didn't.
Well, I may not be a doctor, but I'm pretty sure I took a health class in elementary school, and I do watch reruns of House, which I reckon makes me just as qualified to offer online medical advice as anyone else. And because I care, and more importantly, because I saw how many hits WebMD gets, I'm going to start spewing forth chunks of medical wisdom right about now...
Health care begins at home.
It's a phrase you hear all the time. Don't believe me?
Health care begins at home. See? There it is again.
But what does it really mean? In the old days, it meant doing the little things to make sure we were living healthy. "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" was what we were always told, and for good reason: Nothing like a few draft ciders to help you forget you're too goddamn broke to go to the doctor (Just because we're the only country in the industrialized world that doesn't provide free health care to its citizens (at least the ones who aren't lucky enough to be in Congress or prison) does not make universal health care any less Communist. Freedom isn't free, and neither is that walker, Granny. AIG bonuses don't grow on trees, ya know...).
These days things are more complicated. Sure, you can't give yourself an MRI, or perform brain surgery on your sister (I'm really sorry, mom...), but that doesn't mean you can't still do those little things to keep yourself and those you love healthy right at home. Whether it's checking your breasts for lumps, watching your calorie intake (Note I said "watching", not "reducing". We may not have health care, but we got McGriddles. Eat up, Porky, or the terrorists win.), checking your neighbor's breasts for lumps, or simply putting on a condom before getting that around-the-world from the twenty-dollar hooker you picked up downtown with the noticeable track marks and even more noticeable Adam's apple, there are plenty of things you can still do to keep your body running like the well-oiled machine it was (Pick from one of the following terms based upon whether or not you prefer to burn in eternal damnation.) [designed/randomly evolved] to be. I myself take the precautionary measure of self-medicating every chance I get.
(Author's note: You will notice I did not include exercise in my list of ways to stay healthy. Exercise is not a way to stay healthy. Sex should provide all the physical exertion you need in life. It's not your fault that you're fat; it's your partner's. They should be putting out more. In other words, if you see someone exercising, it's a sign they aren't getting any. The polite thing to do is to offer sex to this person. "I see you're doing sit-ups. Wanna fuck?" is considered proper etiquette in such a situation. Running is a sign that someone's being chased; call 911 immediately. Jogging is a sign of mental illness; no one in their right mind runs less than top speed if they're being chased, and running at any speed unless being chased is, to use the medical term, retarded.)
The world of modern medicine is progressing at a break-neck pace. Every day, researchers are finding new medical miracles in everything from male enhancement to penis enlargement. And occasionally, between finding more and more ways to help rich white pricks feel better about their tiny cocks (I don't think the Extenze is working, there, Prescott. Maybe you should try the Porsche.), modern medicine even finds new treatment for actual sicknesses. These advances, however, are not worth discussing, since your HMO will not cover them. Don't worry, though, you're not as fucked as you think you are (Editor's note: Yes you are.).
Why? Because health care begins at home.
The Internet is an invaluable tool for home health care. There are places you can go online where, with just a few clicks of the mouse, you can find out if those pills you found in your grandma's medicine cabinet will give you a buzz. But did you know those same sites offer advice on your health?
I sure didn't.
Well, I may not be a doctor, but I'm pretty sure I took a health class in elementary school, and I do watch reruns of House, which I reckon makes me just as qualified to offer online medical advice as anyone else. And because I care, and more importantly, because I saw how many hits WebMD gets, I'm going to start spewing forth chunks of medical wisdom right about now...
I think you should take something for that.
See, isn't that good advice? Come to think of it, I'll be right back...
...
...Okay, now where was I? Oh yeah. Medical advice.
That's right, folks. Cancel that doctor's appointment; drop your health insurance. You're going to find all the medical advice you need right here on these pages.
Well, not these pages. You'll have to go to my new official-type website, www.toolsofthetirade.blogspot.com (Editor's note: In the absence of a big red "You are here" arrow, we hope you have figured out on your own that you are already at my new official-type website. This part is primarily for the MySpace moronotards that haven't joined us over here yet.), to get the information that just might save your life. The first installment, a piece on men's health called Sprout Time, is being put together right now.
So head over there and check it out. You look like you need the exercise...
His Holiness Pope Salty I
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