The letter posted below was originally written last week and posted on MySpace. I did not post it here because it is not the type of thing I would normally consider to be Tools of the Tirade material; it was nothing more than me venting about losing a job. My intention was to post the letter on the MySpace page of the bar that canned me, but I discovered that I had never added them as a friend, and something told me they wouldn't be interested in accepting a friend invitation from me.
They're stupid, but they're not that stupid...
While my letter did not have its desired effect of driving the owners of the bar to suicide, it did seem to strike a chord with a lot of people. Perhps I shouldn't have been, but I was surprised to find out how many people got a kick out of what I thought no one would appreciate other than me. For this reason, I have decided to post the letter here.
Those of you not familiar with the bar scene in Mobile, AL, will not recognize the name of the bar (I intentionally left the names of individuals out), but hopefully you will be able to relate to the situation enough to get a laugh or two out of it.
I suspect that Mobile has not cornered the market on idiot club owners...
To the new "manager" of Fabachers,
I have to admire your meteoric rise to power.
Who would have known you could go from someone nobody's ever heard of before to the manager of a nightclub in a matter of two weeks?
Here's the thing, though. Sleeping with the owner may give you the power to run a bar, but it obviously doesn't give you the intelligence. If it did, you might have figured out that maybe it's not a good idea to run off your entire staff in less than two weeks. Sure, you can tell the owner that the bartenders were stealing from her, but it does seem a bit odd that this "theft problem" seemed to arrive right about the same time that you did. Sure, it's possible that all these people were running scams at the same time, but in life the simplest answer is often the correct one, and it doesn't take a genius to connect the dots.
Are we supposed to believe that it's just a coincidence that the money in question passed through your hands before it got to the owner? Anyone with half a brain can see it.
Of course, love has a tendency to cloud one's judgment. We've all been there. So I don't blame the owner for trusting you over logic.
Just don't expect anyone else to.
Of course, I didn't steal anything from you. I'm just a DJ. But I happen to be a damn good DJ, and an experienced one at that. So allow me to use that experience to fill in rather wide gap between what you think you know and what you actually do know. Since this gap is so cavernous, I'll put it into table form so you can follow it easier.
You can count, can you?
1. If you are going to use genre terms to describe what you want, you might want to make sure these genres exist outside your delusional mind. "New-age rap" is not a style of music. Rap is a very broad term that encompasses many different styles of music, the common thread being spoken-word rhymed vocals. New-age is not a musical term at all.
2. Since we've already established that "new-age rap" is not a musical genre, it's probably safe to say that "new-age rap rock alternative" is not one either. The only time an intelligent person might use that phrase is after slamming the refrigerator door too hard and spilling some poetry magnets on the floor.
3. If the DJ is nice enough to attempt to extrapolate your request, ignoring the fact that you would apparently lose a battle of wits with a wheelbarrow, you might want to pay a bit of attention. In other words, if you're going to criticize what the DJ is playing, saying he needs to play something like Akon instead of this "techno", you might want to be sure that Akon is not what is playing at the time. You're already looking like a jackass; no point screaming "hee-haw! hee-haw!" on top of it.
4. If you are going to later tell the DJ to pack his stuff and leave because "everybody is complaining about the music", you might want to be sure that a song requested by one of this "everybody" you allegedly found time to individually poll between making drinks is not playing at the time. Granted, it is possible that someone would complain about a song that they themselves requested, but only if they had the brain the size of a chick pea.
You know, like someone who would ask for "new-age rap rock alternative".
In other words, cover your lie better. Considering the fact that you've already run off all the bartenders, I would like to think that even someone as obviously talented and skilled as you are would have trouble putting together a comprehensive list of patrons' musical preferences in between fucking up their drink orders.
I know this is all a bit complicated, and probably making your ear-balls hurt, so let me make it more simple for you: You told the DJ to leave because he was playing too much techno and not enough stuff like Akon...
...while Akon was playing.
Dumbass.
5. This is the most important one...
Enjoy this while you can. Even the most lovesick owner is only going to put up with some jackass running her club into the ground for so long before she wakes up to you. And if not, you're not going to get much pleasure from running a bar that is out of business.
You've already got half of Mobile wanting to beat your ass. Don't worry; I'm not one of them.
You're not worth the trouble.
His Holiness Pope Salty I
They're stupid, but they're not that stupid...
While my letter did not have its desired effect of driving the owners of the bar to suicide, it did seem to strike a chord with a lot of people. Perhps I shouldn't have been, but I was surprised to find out how many people got a kick out of what I thought no one would appreciate other than me. For this reason, I have decided to post the letter here.
Those of you not familiar with the bar scene in Mobile, AL, will not recognize the name of the bar (I intentionally left the names of individuals out), but hopefully you will be able to relate to the situation enough to get a laugh or two out of it.
I suspect that Mobile has not cornered the market on idiot club owners...
To the new "manager" of Fabachers,
I have to admire your meteoric rise to power.
Who would have known you could go from someone nobody's ever heard of before to the manager of a nightclub in a matter of two weeks?
Here's the thing, though. Sleeping with the owner may give you the power to run a bar, but it obviously doesn't give you the intelligence. If it did, you might have figured out that maybe it's not a good idea to run off your entire staff in less than two weeks. Sure, you can tell the owner that the bartenders were stealing from her, but it does seem a bit odd that this "theft problem" seemed to arrive right about the same time that you did. Sure, it's possible that all these people were running scams at the same time, but in life the simplest answer is often the correct one, and it doesn't take a genius to connect the dots.
Are we supposed to believe that it's just a coincidence that the money in question passed through your hands before it got to the owner? Anyone with half a brain can see it.
Of course, love has a tendency to cloud one's judgment. We've all been there. So I don't blame the owner for trusting you over logic.
Just don't expect anyone else to.
Of course, I didn't steal anything from you. I'm just a DJ. But I happen to be a damn good DJ, and an experienced one at that. So allow me to use that experience to fill in rather wide gap between what you think you know and what you actually do know. Since this gap is so cavernous, I'll put it into table form so you can follow it easier.
You can count, can you?
1. If you are going to use genre terms to describe what you want, you might want to make sure these genres exist outside your delusional mind. "New-age rap" is not a style of music. Rap is a very broad term that encompasses many different styles of music, the common thread being spoken-word rhymed vocals. New-age is not a musical term at all.
2. Since we've already established that "new-age rap" is not a musical genre, it's probably safe to say that "new-age rap rock alternative" is not one either. The only time an intelligent person might use that phrase is after slamming the refrigerator door too hard and spilling some poetry magnets on the floor.
3. If the DJ is nice enough to attempt to extrapolate your request, ignoring the fact that you would apparently lose a battle of wits with a wheelbarrow, you might want to pay a bit of attention. In other words, if you're going to criticize what the DJ is playing, saying he needs to play something like Akon instead of this "techno", you might want to be sure that Akon is not what is playing at the time. You're already looking like a jackass; no point screaming "hee-haw! hee-haw!" on top of it.
4. If you are going to later tell the DJ to pack his stuff and leave because "everybody is complaining about the music", you might want to be sure that a song requested by one of this "everybody" you allegedly found time to individually poll between making drinks is not playing at the time. Granted, it is possible that someone would complain about a song that they themselves requested, but only if they had the brain the size of a chick pea.
You know, like someone who would ask for "new-age rap rock alternative".
In other words, cover your lie better. Considering the fact that you've already run off all the bartenders, I would like to think that even someone as obviously talented and skilled as you are would have trouble putting together a comprehensive list of patrons' musical preferences in between fucking up their drink orders.
I know this is all a bit complicated, and probably making your ear-balls hurt, so let me make it more simple for you: You told the DJ to leave because he was playing too much techno and not enough stuff like Akon...
...while Akon was playing.
Dumbass.
5. This is the most important one...
Enjoy this while you can. Even the most lovesick owner is only going to put up with some jackass running her club into the ground for so long before she wakes up to you. And if not, you're not going to get much pleasure from running a bar that is out of business.
You've already got half of Mobile wanting to beat your ass. Don't worry; I'm not one of them.
You're not worth the trouble.
His Holiness Pope Salty I
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