(Editor's note: The following post was originally published, under the title "Where The Fuck Is My Taint?", in October 2007 issue of The New England Journal of Medicine. Do not read it until you have read the previous post, Health Care Begins at Home, which is right under this post. Otherwise, it will seem like just a bunch of immature dick jokes, and you will not fully appreciate the science involved.)
Hello fellow patients,
...and welcome. Today marks our first installment of our new medical feature, entitled...
...um...
Actually, I haven't come up with a title. It's not that I haven't given it any thought, although I haven't. I just thought it might be fun to see what you guys can come up with in the way of a clever title for this new, potentially life-saving series. I hate to use the term "contest", since most of you are too much of a pussy to send in your suggestions, and because "contest" implies "winner", which implies "prize", which implies "me spending some money on you fuckers", which simply isn't going to happen. So, let's just call it a brainstorming session, or some other bullshit like that, and leave it at that.
As I hinted at in the previous rambling, which I just know you guys read before starting this one, today's health topic is men's health, and more specifically, the concept of sprout time. Since we are all new at this, and don't know what we're doing, myself in particular, perhaps we should start with a simple question:
Going by what you hear on TV, men's health can be summed up in one word: prostate. Of course, there is more to men's health than the prostate. In fact, the prostate does not exist. The prostate is a myth made up as an excuse to talk you into letting people stick their fingers in your ass, just as the G-spot is a myth designed to trick you into spending more time than necessary with the vagina. We've all had that girlfriend, or friend with benefits, or guy you met that one time at that gay bar in Atlanta who said "it doesn't make you gay to experiment" and "don't worry; it'll be our little secret", who told you how, by massaging the prostate at just the right time, you could experience the ultimate orgasm.
Well, trust me, it's not true. I've thoroughly researched it, and after countless trips to Atlanta, I can say unequivocally that the prostate doesn't exist.
You don't even want to know what your proctologist is really up to...
So, if the prostate doesn't exist, what else have you not been told?
You haven't been told about sprout time.
Here's the facts: The male body produces both testosterone and estrogen. Testosterone is the male hormone. Testosterone does manly things like growing hair on your chest, producing semen (It's not just for breakfast anymore, ladies!), and renting Steven Segal movies. Estrogen, on the other hand, is responsible for womanly things such as regulating the menstrual cycle, producing vaginal lubrication (It's not just for breakfast anymore, fellas!), and getting out of traffic tickets. These hormones are so different, and so powerful, that an overabundance of the opposite sex's hormone can produce actual physical effects in the body. That's why transvestites are so good these days. Those tits look real because they are real.
Unfortunately, that cock's real as well.
For those of us who are not trying to trick straight men in bars (Damn you, Brianna!), fluctuations in opposite-sex hormones are nothing to worry about. A mild upswing in your estrogen level generally does nothing more than give you a peculiar craving for a nice Chablis. But in extreme cases, a sudden surge of estrogen can cause severe physical changes, the most severe being a sudden hermaphroditic transformation.
In other words, sprouting a...
(Editor's note: Despite our best efforts, we have been unable to determine the proper spelling for this word, which is pronounced like "badge" with a "v". "Vadge" looks kind of silly, and "vag" seems like it should rhyme with "rag". Sure we could use the anatomical term "vagina", but that's kind of icky. And "va-jayjay" is out. We saw Oprah use that term once, and we have been scarred for life as a result. We've toyed with the idea of "tulips", or the even more clever "two-lips", but in the end, we've decided to go with the classic "twat", mainly because our girlfriend hates that word. It's the simple pleasures...)
...twat.
Trust me, this is a bad thing. Some of you might be tempted to try to sprout one, either because you aren't getting laid or you've always wanted to be able to oblige when someone tells you to go fuck yourself, but it doesn't work that way. If you think about where the various parts are, and how they do and don't bend, you'll quickly deduce that hermie is not the way to go.
The important thing to know is that estrogen, like most hormones, is produced as a reaction to stimuli. Estrogen, being a female hormone, is produced as a reaction to female stimuli. How much estrogen is produced depends on the stimulus. Walking past a Bath and Body Works creates a little estrogen; sitting through Cirque de Soleil, you might as well be funneling the shit.
Like with exposure to radiation, estrogen level is an issue of both the severity of the stimulus and the time of exposure. Since estrogen-producing stimuli of various degrees are all around us, scientists have devised the concept of sprout time as a method of determining how long a male can be exposed to a given stimulus before sprouting. Some stimuli, such as R. Kelly songs, have relatively long sprout times that can be measured in hours, while others, such as the 2009 North American Tour of the long-running musical Cats, coming to the Mobile Civic Center next month, can be measured in mere seconds.
As you may have guessed, sprouting does not generally occur among single men, since only those in relationships are regularly subject to estrogen-producing stimuli. In order to protect against sprouting, it is important for men to be informed of the sprout times of any activities their women are subjecting them to (Curiously, sprouting does not occur among gay men, despite overexposure to estrogen-producing stimuli. While not fully understood, it is suspected that this has something to do with the prostate. At least that's what I was told in Atlanta...). Men should be advised, before being exposed to estrogen-producing stimuli, to ask their partner about the risks involved. For instance, if your girl wants you to sit down and watch Sex in the City with her, be sure to ask, "What is the sprout time on this?"
If she does not know, make her look it up. Be sure she gets the right one, too. You don't want the sprout time for an episode of the series just to discover you have to take a break from watching Sex in the City: The Movie to go pee sitting down. It'll give you a minute to check the scores on ESPN, which will help produce testosterone to counteract against potential estrogen exposure.
Especially if you've got money on the game...
So, in conclusion, men in relationships should be aware of the sprout times of anything their women try to drag them into. Because while she may want to share the world with you, I'm guessing she doesn't want to have to share tampons.
His Holiness Pope Salty I
Hello fellow patients,
...and welcome. Today marks our first installment of our new medical feature, entitled...
...um...
Actually, I haven't come up with a title. It's not that I haven't given it any thought, although I haven't. I just thought it might be fun to see what you guys can come up with in the way of a clever title for this new, potentially life-saving series. I hate to use the term "contest", since most of you are too much of a pussy to send in your suggestions, and because "contest" implies "winner", which implies "prize", which implies "me spending some money on you fuckers", which simply isn't going to happen. So, let's just call it a brainstorming session, or some other bullshit like that, and leave it at that.
As I hinted at in the previous rambling, which I just know you guys read before starting this one, today's health topic is men's health, and more specifically, the concept of sprout time. Since we are all new at this, and don't know what we're doing, myself in particular, perhaps we should start with a simple question:
What is men's health?
Going by what you hear on TV, men's health can be summed up in one word: prostate. Of course, there is more to men's health than the prostate. In fact, the prostate does not exist. The prostate is a myth made up as an excuse to talk you into letting people stick their fingers in your ass, just as the G-spot is a myth designed to trick you into spending more time than necessary with the vagina. We've all had that girlfriend, or friend with benefits, or guy you met that one time at that gay bar in Atlanta who said "it doesn't make you gay to experiment" and "don't worry; it'll be our little secret", who told you how, by massaging the prostate at just the right time, you could experience the ultimate orgasm.
Well, trust me, it's not true. I've thoroughly researched it, and after countless trips to Atlanta, I can say unequivocally that the prostate doesn't exist.
You don't even want to know what your proctologist is really up to...
So, if the prostate doesn't exist, what else have you not been told?
You haven't been told about sprout time.
Here's the facts: The male body produces both testosterone and estrogen. Testosterone is the male hormone. Testosterone does manly things like growing hair on your chest, producing semen (It's not just for breakfast anymore, ladies!), and renting Steven Segal movies. Estrogen, on the other hand, is responsible for womanly things such as regulating the menstrual cycle, producing vaginal lubrication (It's not just for breakfast anymore, fellas!), and getting out of traffic tickets. These hormones are so different, and so powerful, that an overabundance of the opposite sex's hormone can produce actual physical effects in the body. That's why transvestites are so good these days. Those tits look real because they are real.Unfortunately, that cock's real as well.
For those of us who are not trying to trick straight men in bars (Damn you, Brianna!), fluctuations in opposite-sex hormones are nothing to worry about. A mild upswing in your estrogen level generally does nothing more than give you a peculiar craving for a nice Chablis. But in extreme cases, a sudden surge of estrogen can cause severe physical changes, the most severe being a sudden hermaphroditic transformation.
In other words, sprouting a...
(Editor's note: Despite our best efforts, we have been unable to determine the proper spelling for this word, which is pronounced like "badge" with a "v". "Vadge" looks kind of silly, and "vag" seems like it should rhyme with "rag". Sure we could use the anatomical term "vagina", but that's kind of icky. And "va-jayjay" is out. We saw Oprah use that term once, and we have been scarred for life as a result. We've toyed with the idea of "tulips", or the even more clever "two-lips", but in the end, we've decided to go with the classic "twat", mainly because our girlfriend hates that word. It's the simple pleasures...)
...twat.
Trust me, this is a bad thing. Some of you might be tempted to try to sprout one, either because you aren't getting laid or you've always wanted to be able to oblige when someone tells you to go fuck yourself, but it doesn't work that way. If you think about where the various parts are, and how they do and don't bend, you'll quickly deduce that hermie is not the way to go.
The important thing to know is that estrogen, like most hormones, is produced as a reaction to stimuli. Estrogen, being a female hormone, is produced as a reaction to female stimuli. How much estrogen is produced depends on the stimulus. Walking past a Bath and Body Works creates a little estrogen; sitting through Cirque de Soleil, you might as well be funneling the shit.
Like with exposure to radiation, estrogen level is an issue of both the severity of the stimulus and the time of exposure. Since estrogen-producing stimuli of various degrees are all around us, scientists have devised the concept of sprout time as a method of determining how long a male can be exposed to a given stimulus before sprouting. Some stimuli, such as R. Kelly songs, have relatively long sprout times that can be measured in hours, while others, such as the 2009 North American Tour of the long-running musical Cats, coming to the Mobile Civic Center next month, can be measured in mere seconds.
As you may have guessed, sprouting does not generally occur among single men, since only those in relationships are regularly subject to estrogen-producing stimuli. In order to protect against sprouting, it is important for men to be informed of the sprout times of any activities their women are subjecting them to (Curiously, sprouting does not occur among gay men, despite overexposure to estrogen-producing stimuli. While not fully understood, it is suspected that this has something to do with the prostate. At least that's what I was told in Atlanta...). Men should be advised, before being exposed to estrogen-producing stimuli, to ask their partner about the risks involved. For instance, if your girl wants you to sit down and watch Sex in the City with her, be sure to ask, "What is the sprout time on this?"
If she does not know, make her look it up. Be sure she gets the right one, too. You don't want the sprout time for an episode of the series just to discover you have to take a break from watching Sex in the City: The Movie to go pee sitting down. It'll give you a minute to check the scores on ESPN, which will help produce testosterone to counteract against potential estrogen exposure.
Especially if you've got money on the game...
So, in conclusion, men in relationships should be aware of the sprout times of anything their women try to drag them into. Because while she may want to share the world with you, I'm guessing she doesn't want to have to share tampons.
His Holiness Pope Salty I
WELL IM HAPPY TO KNOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT NIKKI ENOUGH TO EVEN SIT LONG ENOUGH TO BE EXPOSED ENOUGH TO SUM FEMALE SHIT THAT U MAY EVEN BE GROWING A TWAT...HAHAHA
ReplyDeleteNUT ALSO EXCITED THAT WITH NIKKI U ARE AT LEAST GETTING SUM TWAT!
SORRY NIKKI I HAPPEN TO LOVE THE WORD TWAT..IT MUST BE MY 77% MALE BRAIN..HEEHEE ;}
Twat twat twat. Twat twat, twattitty twat twat. Twat, twaddle-twat, twat twat twat. Twat twat?
ReplyDeleteTwat. Twat twat twat twat twat. Twat, twat twatankerous twat twat twat.
Twat Twattiness Twat Twatty I
p.s.: Poontang.