Twitter-Twats

Hello fellow patients,

Wanna know what I'm doing right now?

If your answer is anything other than "Who gives a shit?", you should consider joining the millions of people who are members of the latest Internet craze, Twitter.

For those of you living under a rock, or even worse, still wasting time on MySpace (Really? That is SO 2007…), Twitter is a social networking site that, according to its home page, is based on the simple question, "What are you doing right now?". This simple concept, based on that one question, has overcome the obstacle of being the stupidest idea of all time to become a bona-fide Internet sensation.

Here’s how Twitter works. As a member, you can post your answer to the question “What are you doing right now?” at any time, using any Internet-ready device (laptop, Blackberry, I-Phone, I-Tunes, I-Dildo, I-Artificial Leg, etc.). Like with other social networking sites such as Facebook or MySpace, you can amass friends on Twitter, who can subscribe to your posts, and you to theirs. Thanks to Twitter, no longer do you have to wonder about anyone, “What are you doing right now?”, provided, of course, that they are Twitterers as well. It is easy to understand the allure. If MySpace is the online equivalent of junior high school, Twitter is the online equivalent of that annoy-everyone-to-death-with-questions phase that little kids hit around the age of four (“Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! What are you doing?”). In other words, Twitter is perfect for those who lack the depth for MySpace.

Being a successful Twitterer requires what on the surface may seem to be two conflicting personality traits: (1) Enough conceit to assume other people give a shit about your daily activities, and (2) Little enough of a life to actually be willing to go online and read about the daily activities of others. Naturally, it is hugely popular among members of Congress. So much so, in fact, that quite a few Congressmen and women were seen Twittering during Obama’s recent address on Capitol Hill. One guy, Rep. John Culberson (R-Tex.), used this new technology to make himself sound like a schoolgirl when he saw the water-landing pilot, and notorious goose-killer, Captain Sullenberger…

"Capt Sully is here -- awesome!"

We can only hope that Culberson gets his wish and Captain Sully invites him to the big homecoming dance next week. And if he doesn’t, don’t let it get you down, Culby. If Sully can’t see what a beautiful person you are on the inside, he doesn’t deserve to get to go with you to that dance! (Author’s note: Look, I know we are supposed to be all about unifying the country and shit, but Republicans really can be douchebags. Captain Sully is awesome? Really? And this guy got elected, probably because spouted off all those asinine talking points that get the dittoheads that worship people like Rush Limbaugh all moist in their pants and shit. Hey, if you’re looking to Rush Limbaugh for anything more than a painkiller fix, you’re part of the problem. Do us all a favor and take yourself out of the voting process, or even better, take yourself out.)

Like most other nerd-friendly activities, Twitter has brought with it its own glossary of terms. For instance, the act of posting a Twitter post is known as “tweeting”, and the post itself is often referred to as a “tweet”. Now I always thought that “tweeting” was a sexual act involving sticking a bird down your pants, but what do I know? I’m old school, and apparently out of touch (except with the bird, obviously). I’m so out of touch, in fact, that I had to learn about what “tweeting” is from CNN. These are people who still say “bling-bling” when they are trying to “hip up” a news story (yet another reason why I’m ashamed to be white), so you can imagine my humiliation at having to learn new street lingo from these folks.

Maybe I’m just old (shut up, Chris…), but I don’t get the logic. It seems to me that every tweet should say “I’m writing a tweet for Twitter.” I mean, if you’re answering the question honestly, isn’t that what you’re doing right now? I suppose you could be doing two things at once, but there are only so many things I would think you could do and tweet at the same time. Sure, tweeting “I’m watching TV”, or “I’m downloading porn”, or “I’m taking a shit” seem doable, but “I’m driving this busload of kids to school”, or “I’m making love to someone that I assume, being that I'm too busy tweeting to actually look, to be my wife”, or “I’m watching the porn I just downloaded” just wouldn’t work. Who has that kind of concentration? The only activities that you can find time to tweet around are those too mundane to be broadcasting in the first place.

What it boils down to is this: Anyone who has time to Twitter shouldn’t.

It may sound like I’m saying that Twitter shouldn’t exist, and those who participate in it should be beaten to death with broken cell phones or at least have their fingers super-glued together so they can no longer type. I assure you it only sounds like I’m suggesting that because I am. Don’t worry though, nit-twits; I’m not going Tyra Banks on you just yet. But I could be, at any time. It’s probably best to keep up with what I am doing, minute-to-minute, just in case. For your safety, the question you should be asking is…

“What am I doing right now?”

His Holiness Pope Salty I....

p.s.: I was just informed that “douchebags” is incorrect. The proper spelling is “douche bags”. Two words, not one. Thanks, Spell-Check!

HHPS1....